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I’ve never been a quitter. If I start something, I see it through. So, I felt like such a loser the other day when I decided to take my new book Dearfield off of preorder on Amazon.

Last year I decided to enter a contest, where the winner was named “Writer in Residence” for the library district where I live. Along with working with the library staff to develop programs for the public, the distinction came with a monthly stipend of $1000 for nine months to help the writer as they worked on their book. Sounded like a challenge I would love. The catch was that the subject matter the writer wrote about had to be tied in some way to the county.

I had been thinking about trying to write a cozy mystery series, and came up with an idea that I thought would be great. I am a little bit of a history buff and decided to marry the two. I set to work and the result was Family Collateral, the first book in the Alfie Pine Mystery series.  

I entered the competition, but didn’t even make it into the final round of cuts. I was very disappointed, but the feedback from the committee was great and they encouraged me to try again for 2021. I was excited to enter this year. I had another year of writing under my belt, a great start to a series that fit their criteria, and a better understanding of what the library district was looking for.

When it came time to enter the contest, I had already outlined and started the first draft of my new book. I did a ton of research and went on several field trips to sites that I wanted to use as settings for the book. I submitted my writing samples and everything else they asked for in the application.

When I received the email telling me that I had made the cut for the final four applicants, I was ecstatic! As a writer, I often suffer from Imposter Syndrome, and feel like I’m not good enough. This was a great boost to my self-esteem. I was also nervous, because it meant an interview with the committee.  I had no idea what to expect. It was a job interview, in a lot of ways.

The interview did not go well. I rambled. I repeated myself. I got lost in my answers. Being that it was a Zoom call, it was hard to read their reactions to what I was saying. That was the longest 20 minutes ever! That all happened back in March. I did not win the competition. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I had my residence all planned out and had started working on the programs that I had proposed to the committee in my application. I thought that I would be a great fit. They didn’t agree.

Now it is September and I am struggling to finish Dearfield. I have the main story written, and have been trying for two months to complete the B story. I think that my problem is two-fold. One, I was writing the story for the wrong reason – to please the committee. Two, I am pouting over being rejected. It has created quite a mess in my head. I have writer’s block times ten at the moment.

One of the things I did to try and get out of my slump was to put my book on pre-order on Amazon. My thinking was that if I put it at the furthest limit (one year) of pre-order, that deadline would force me to finish the book. Wrong. It actually did the opposite and created more anxiety, which, turned my writing brain into a pile of mush. I couldn’t put together a coherent sentence to save my life.

My husband convinced me to take it off of Amazon to get rid of that pressure. Which worked, but also made me feel guilty.  I’m throwing in the towel on the book, but not throwing it away. I’ll put it on the back burner for now and maybe someday I’ll pull it back out and finish it. For the right reasons.